Not for the faint of heart

I feel like that is how my life should be labeled lately. A bit over a week ago we buried my Papa. The man I loved & adored and who was more then just a grandfather to me. He gave me a stable adult male in my life when my own father didn't want me. I don't know why he didn't that is perhaps a whole other blog post, I do know that when I was in college and starting to maybe actually have a relationship with him that he killed himself. No one believes that he really meant to it was just his way of getting attention when he was angry. I've been told that there was even one point when his grandmother or mother ( to be perfectly honest I don't remember and I don't want to ask for the details) even fought with him over a gun. But enough about him I never considered him to be a father anyways - only a sperm donor since that was pretty much all he was good for at least to me.

Talking with my grandma this evening I noticed something that I never had before in the living room. There was a rainbow on the brick wall of the fireplace. I looked around more and the wall next to her hallway was covered in vertical rainbows. And there was a second one becoming even more pronounced on the fireplace wall. The first thought that popped into my head was that Papa was here or at least leaving us a message that he was doing okay. I know where the rainbows came from - a crystal light fixture over the dining room table that was on. The light was dim and the sky was cloudy and windy preparing for the incoming storm. I don't think it should have been possible to have rainbows then but there they were on the wall. When I finally got up enough nerve to mention to Grandma she started talking about how whenever she sees a rainbow she thinks about God promised to never flood the earth again and that the rainbow was his sign. I said that I made me feel like Papa was here - she looked at me and got a bit teary eyed and said that was her first thought too since he knew how much she liked them. As we were talking a third rainbow started to appear on the fireplace wall. As silly as it sounds to some I'm sure that it was a message from Papa. That was the kind of man he was, kind, cared so much about his family and always smelled like Old Spice. He taught me how to do wood work, polish my boots, was an example of what a real man should be for his family. He was the only father that I ever really knew or remembered. And now he's gone. I miss him so much, but at least he is not in pain anymore. The last few years of his life is not how I want to remember him. I really wish that I could wipe away being with him when he finally was defeated by his disease. He looked like he was in pain, and I couldn't do anything to fix it for him. I wanted to I just didn't know if they nurses would give him anything since they called us and thought that it was time. But at least he had family with him - I am a firm believer that no matter how painful it was for me to be there that it was so important to be there with him so he could have family at his bedside not a nurse no matter how much they cared about him. I am so thankful that I had John with me, I know that I couldn't have driven home. I was to busy crying and throwing up. I grieved as much as I could before I got home to see the girls. They are just to young to have to see me like that. I couldn't even let go at the funeral service - then again I don't know if I needed to at that point. We all knew that despite how much pain we were in this was for the best for him. I was so proud to see John there presenting the flag during taps, and then taking the lead in folding it.
John's voice breaking when he said On behalf of a grateful nation, I can tell that I picked right. He is so similar to Papa right down to the smell of Old Spice. I don't know what I did to deserve John, he's always been there to support me. I love it when he kissed my forehead and tells me that it's okay it will all work out. The feeling of quiet strength in his hand. Worrying about the family, wishing that he could do more while he was here on emergency leave. He has large shoes to fill trying to live up to Papa's legacy and stepping up to being the man of the family. But I am confident that he can do it and he wants to do it. I can't wait for him to get new orders to be able to pcs (permanent change of station) so we can be together as a family again. Being apart is horrible, I don't want to have to ever do this again. At least when he's out to sea I know he's not in the same country just a few states (or the entire US) over. Ok signing off now as it's almost three am and I have to be up in the morning.